Dunes

Last night, I was thinking about one of my favorite places in the Philippines, UP Los Baños.

I was imagining what it was like to dream back then. I wanted to be a forester and during the year I stopped schooling, I went there to pretend that I was actually a BS Forestry student.

I remember how silly it was for me to ask how much the boarding lodges were and how I planned taking my bicycle there to hop from one building to another for the next class.

It was making me rethink my life and what it could have been if I didn't go to STI. Of course, I would never have met him. Maybe, just maybe, there was a very small chance that I could catch a glimpse of him on their graduation day in Umali Hall back in May 2012. However, that only exists in a parallel universe.

I always wonder why it's so difficult for me to capture happiness. It feels as if my whole life had rained down sadness on me. My spirit is adventurous, but my soul was always bound to the responsibilities of the physical world. As if, running away was the only option, and yet, I can't.

My mind has always been filled with so many doubts and fears. I keep myself cold and distant, in case of any running away that I have to do one of these fine days.

Nothing is keeping my feet on the ground anymore. I can fall in love, but never give myself completely even for the only person I've ever loved this much.

I believe that freedom is inward facing instead of something physical. Like no matter where I go, I will be held by these chains that I've wounded around myself. Always holding myself back.

Why do I seek such freedom?  I have all the necessary things in life already. Yet, there is always something missing. I truly hope I can fill the gaps before I can start a real love story with him. Or anyone for that matter. I would rather lose him than have him to myself when I am this sad.

I think I'm only living half of my life. Only doing the necessary things that other people do. Never listening to myself. Always giving myself to others. I'm not an angel, nor a martyr. But I believe, it will all do us a great deal of relief, if I can just be myself without thinking of anybody else.

I wonder, was I always like this? Have I been a freedom fighter in my previous life? Why am I so keen on being free?